From This Side of Thirty: That One Day I Killed a Squirrel

I had quite the eventful afternoon this past Thursday as you might gather from the picture above. If you know me well enough you know I’m more of an indoor ranch wife. I don’t even like dogs. You’d also know that I’m not much of a hunter…but under the right circumstances you could find me in my yard with a .22 up to my shoulder in sniper mode.

It was a normal Thursday here at the ranch. I had an appointment in town earlier in the day so Zane accompanied Ole Jus to work that morning. Ramzee and I returned home before lunchtime so I fixed her a sandwich then showered and started fixing my hair (because you need to know my hair was not entirely styled in the photographs provided). I was casually strolling through the kitchen when I caught a glimpse of Zane’s sweet puppy dart across the back porch and into the yard. After further investigation I learned Bandit had run a squirrel into a tree merely feet from our back door.

You have to understand that Ole Jus and lil Zane have spent quite a few afternoons walking near the river and in the woods with Bandit trying to find squirrels…unsuccessfully. Zane bought the puppy this past summer as a “squirrel dog” intended to hunt…you guessed it!...squirrels. So Bandit is still in training to fulfill his life’s purpose of “Squirrel dog”. It was with great joy I sent Ole Jus this picture to share with Zane captioned, “Bandit treed a squirrel!”

It wasn’t long before my phone rang…it was Zane.

Me-“No! I don’t even know how to work a gun.”

Z-“Just get the .22. It’s the black one.”

(Ole Jus tells him something in the background)

Z-“Look in the dog box in the back of the hunting truck. Just turn the safety off and shoot it.”

Me-“Ewww. Fine.”

So off I went…in my house shoes. I found the gun exactly where he said. It was still in the same place they left it when they concluded their most recent unsuccessful squirrel hunt…and still loaded since they had no reason to fire any rounds. I had my sights set on this innocent little fella when my phone rang…again...it was Ole Jus.

Jus-“Don’t shoot it if Bandit isn’t barking.”

Jus-“If he isn’t barking at the bottom of the tree then you can’t shoot it and reward him for the hunt. He has to be barking. If he doesn’t bark when we use him hunting, we won’t be able to find him in the woods. Go pat the bottom of the tree and see if you can get him to bark.”

You must know that by this time our “squirrel dog” has completely forgotten that there is any squirrel within 5 miles, much less one in a tree in our backyard. I get a text.

Ole Jus-“Put Bandit in the dog box and shoot it. We can use it to train him later.”

How did my perfectly nice Thursday turn me into The Great White Hunter of the Homestead?! Fortunately, for your entertainment Ramzee insisted on photo documenting the affair. This time I set my sights and hit a limb…not to be confused with “limb chicken” as Ole Jus likes to refer to squirrels. Let me just say that although I am no hunter and can’t exactly load my own gun, I am a really good shot. That being said…the gun must have been poorly sighted in…because I don’t miss. After tracking the lil guy up and down and around all the limbs and branches I fatally wounded him on the fourth shot…and I said a little prayer for his soul. Regrettably, the mission was not complete. I had to relocate the deceased so that Bandit wouldn’t “be rewarded” as Justin had earlier explained. So I put on a rubber glove and grabbed the furry tail…and almost threw up in my mouth. Again, Ramzee was available for a photo shoot…as I gagged.

I put the squirrel in the back of the hunting truck and let Bandit out of the dog box. Zane was upset because I didn’t bag him and put him in the freezer, but I assured him my good deeds for the day were far past their limit. You’ll be as thrilled as I was to know that when Ole Jus came home from work Bandit had almost scratched all the paint off the tailgate that stood between him and the dead squirrel. I don’t know much, but I’m thinking that’s a good sign…now all will be right in the world if he would just use some of that energy to exert a bark. Is that too much to ask of a DOG?